Praise can have a powerful effect on children. Are we praising our children for what they’ve done well or just criticizing them when they don’t meet expectations? We all want our children to do the right thing. When they fail to do so, it’s easy to criticize, yell or express disappointment.
As a school social worker, I meet with parents all the time who say, “Why should I praise my child for doing something they are expected to do?”If we constantly nag our children to do things differently, it puts everyone involved in a negative mindset. Constant ridicule erodes self-esteem and confidence.
It is important to reinforce the good things children are doing.
Having an attitude of gratitude and praising children for the positives will ensure more positives come about. What we focus on is what grows. Expressing gratitude for your child’s good choices helps build their confidence and self-esteem for making positive decisions.
Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves: Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new things for kids to learn.
Even during babyhood, learning to hold a cup or take first steps sparks a sense of mastery and delight. As your child grows, things like learning to dress, read, or ride a bike are chances for self-esteem to grow.
When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets a chance to learn, try, and feel proud. Don’t make new challenges too easy — or too hard.
Praise your child, but do it wisely. Of course, it’s good to praise kids. Your praise is a way to show that you’re proud. But some ways of praising kids can actually backfire.
Here's how to do it right:
* Don’t overpraise. Praise that doesn’t feel earned doesn’t ring true. For example, telling a child he played a great game when he knows he didn’t feel hollow and fake. It’s better to say, “I know that wasn’t your best game, but we all have off days. I’m proud of you for not giving up.” Add a vote of confidence: “Tomorrow, you’ll be back on your game.”
* Praise effort. Avoid focusing praise only on results (such as getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic). Instead, offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude.
For example: “You’re working hard on that project,” “You’re getting better and better at these spelling tests,” or, “I’m proud of you for practicing piano — you’ve really stuck with it.” With this kind of praise, kids put effort into things, work toward goals, and try. When kids do that, they’re more likely to succeed.
Be a good role model. When you put effort into everyday tasks (like raking the leaves, making a meal, cleaning up the dishes, or washing the car), you’re setting a good example. Your child learns to put effort into doing homework, cleaning up toys, or making the bed.
Modeling the right attitude counts too. When you do tasks cheerfully (or at least without grumbling or complaining), you teach your child to do the same. When you avoid rushing through chores and take pride in a job well done, you teach your child to do that too.
Ban harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. Harsh words (“You’re so lazy!”) are harmful, not motivating. When kids hear negative messages about themselves, it harms their self-esteem. Correct kids with patience. Focus on what you want them to do next time. When needed, show them how.
Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. Focus more on strengths than weaknesses if you want to help kids feel good about themselves. This improves behavior too.
Let kids help and give. Self-esteem grows when kids get to see that what they do matters to others. Kids can help out at home, do a service project at school, or do a favor for a sibling. Helping and kind acts build self-esteem and other good feelings.
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